Here... here I'm free of it for now. He holds no quarter... not here. This... this isn't his stage and I am not an actor playing a role...
[ looking down into his cup, there's just a silence. ]
I've gotten used to it, people touch me and I them. And I am grateful... but I will have to tear myself away from it in the end. And it will be like tearing away a piece of my body. A limb. An organ. I will be a body connected to another body to another body... as many bodies as he has in the wings of his theatre... until my job is done.
even with the rest of it, with the knowledge it'll be like tearing something from him-- he reaches over to take hold of one of io's hands. tight. the kind of hold he doesn't intend to let him pull away from.]
[ stares at this hand grabbing his hand, and his expression tightens. grim. ]
I don't know. I am dying with every step I take. I may die again. And again. And after the work is done, if I succeed... maybe I will only have a little time remaining. I don't know how this play ends for me.
...think I get how people feel when they tell me I don't have to go back, but I can't say that to you.
[not with what io has told him already. not when gregor has told others: no, i have to go back. i don't get to run.
and when he thinks about it, really stops to consider... well.]
Io.
[a little pause, a breath.]
If you don't-- ever get any of that back. If you lose what he took from you for good, when you leave here. Is it going to be worse not to have lived it while you could, or is it gonna be worse to have it ripped away again?
You should just live like it's nobody's business, when you don't know what's left for you. That's... how I've always seen it.
I don't know, but I know that if I go back, and I must go back, I likely won't return, and if I did, I may very well have nothing left of me to offer. And I will hurt someone else in turn if that were to happen.
I would like to live freely. But I would be content to watch the happiness of others, knowing that's more permanent than what I can give.
You deserve it too, y'know. While you can have it.
[he's never let go of his hand. if he pulls away, maybe gregor will reconsider, but for now-- no.]
...look, I don't know what's going to happen to me, either. Someday our contract will be up, and our time just might be, too, once Dante can't turn the clock back for us.
Maybe it would've been best to just not get close to anyone here, but I couldn't quite work that way, permanent or not.
[ just. squeezes hand. there's a long silence, and maybe he just takes a minute to drink a little tea, placing the cup back on his knee. ]
Real shitty stuff to think about. Look at how unlucky we are...
[ a glance upwards, it's a tired smile. and it maybe wants to try, but it's far too burned and tired to pass the threshold. he's a matchstick at the very end of its handle. ]
It will just be a very difficult farewell goodbye, my friend. For now, I'll enjoy the company I get to share. [ heavier, tired: ] It's a privilege.
I... am loathe to take something like this when there are people better suited for you. People who aren't going to start out hardly having their head together.
I still can't remember half my team. I can't even recall how we got here, I'm piecemeal at most.
[ thoughtful, quiet. ]
But... if that is what you want... stay with me. Walk with me, even if I'm just going to turn to earth. I care about you, too, you know. I just don't know if I can... if I'm able...
[he gives him a little grin, there, small as it is.]
You've, ah, seen what the inside of my head's like, I can't really talk about having it together or not. Don't really care about you not remembering everything either.
I mean... I do! I do care about things being missing for you, just that it doesn't-! You know what I mean, right?
[it doesn't bother him. it doesn't change what he wants to give io, here.]
I'll walk with you, if you'll walk with me. Wherever that ends up leading here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ looking down into his cup, there's just a silence. ]
I've gotten used to it, people touch me and I them. And I am grateful... but I will have to tear myself away from it in the end. And it will be like tearing away a piece of my body. A limb. An organ. I will be a body connected to another body to another body... as many bodies as he has in the wings of his theatre... until my job is done.
no subject
even with the rest of it, with the knowledge it'll be like tearing something from him-- he reaches over to take hold of one of io's hands. tight. the kind of hold he doesn't intend to let him pull away from.]
...and when your job's done?
no subject
I don't know. I am dying with every step I take. I may die again. And again. And after the work is done, if I succeed... maybe I will only have a little time remaining. I don't know how this play ends for me.
no subject
[not with what io has told him already. not when gregor has told others: no, i have to go back. i don't get to run.
and when he thinks about it, really stops to consider... well.]
Io.
[a little pause, a breath.]
If you don't-- ever get any of that back. If you lose what he took from you for good, when you leave here. Is it going to be worse not to have lived it while you could, or is it gonna be worse to have it ripped away again?
You should just live like it's nobody's business, when you don't know what's left for you. That's... how I've always seen it.
no subject
[ a gaze upwards. ]
I don't know, but I know that if I go back, and I must go back, I likely won't return, and if I did, I may very well have nothing left of me to offer. And I will hurt someone else in turn if that were to happen.
I would like to live freely. But I would be content to watch the happiness of others, knowing that's more permanent than what I can give.
no subject
[he's never let go of his hand. if he pulls away, maybe gregor will reconsider, but for now-- no.]
...look, I don't know what's going to happen to me, either. Someday our contract will be up, and our time just might be, too, once Dante can't turn the clock back for us.
Maybe it would've been best to just not get close to anyone here, but I couldn't quite work that way, permanent or not.
...that includes you.
HELLO DW I POSTED THIS
Real shitty stuff to think about. Look at how unlucky we are...
[ a glance upwards, it's a tired smile. and it maybe wants to try, but it's far too burned and tired to pass the threshold. he's a matchstick at the very end of its handle. ]
It will just be a very difficult farewell goodbye, my friend. For now, I'll enjoy the company I get to share. [ heavier, tired: ] It's a privilege.
no subject
[what's a little more on top of it all. an extra sting on top of the hurt of something removed.]
...if you feel like it'd be too much, I get it. I do. But I still want to be here for you more than I have been already, if... if you'll take it.
no subject
I still can't remember half my team. I can't even recall how we got here, I'm piecemeal at most.
[ thoughtful, quiet. ]
But... if that is what you want... stay with me. Walk with me, even if I'm just going to turn to earth. I care about you, too, you know. I just don't know if I can... if I'm able...
no subject
[he gives him a little grin, there, small as it is.]
You've, ah, seen what the inside of my head's like, I can't really talk about having it together or not. Don't really care about you not remembering everything either.
I mean... I do! I do care about things being missing for you, just that it doesn't-! You know what I mean, right?
[it doesn't bother him. it doesn't change what he wants to give io, here.]
I'll walk with you, if you'll walk with me. Wherever that ends up leading here.